I am getting married in the morning.

I invited most everyone on Facebook, but if you want to come, fill out this form.

I am engaged and going to get married really, really soon. 15 August 2013 to be exact. Most people will wonder what the crazy I am doing, getting married in less than a month after getting engaged, well here is the story. I have been working on this for a while, it just hasn't felt complete, so I apologize for the length.

Let me just preface this whole story by saying Celeste is a saint.

In June Celeste and I were at a point where we were not progressing in life. We had been at the point for  a while so we decided to make a choice, get married or break up. I think for most people that is a really easy question, but for me I wasn't sure. I took some time, wrote in my journal, fought some doubts away then went to Celeste and said "Let's get married." Either that day or the next we decided a date and a temple and started some planning.

This shouldn't have been as huge a deal. We have now been dating for over a year and a half and we were almost dating for a few months before that. When it comes to knowing each other we know each other very well, and have had to work through so much together. The problem has been my self esteem.

Over the last year, I have had a few problems. I have had struggles in school, relationships and more. The worst part was when I was in a depression. I didn't have myself tested so I don't know if it was a real depression, so sorry to those that actually struggle with it, but I had it as much as I could. I didn't know how to handle my feeling so I turned them off. I had the worst time sleeping every night, because going to bed meant I had to face the next day. I was never suicidal or anything, was just lost and every day was kind of hard. It really took me down in school and life and I left me blank. I didn't realize it had happened till I started to come out of it. I reconciled what I was afraid of with my feelings so I was able to start healing.

Like I said, Celeste is a saint. For some reason she stuck with me when I was in a really low place. She just loves me and watches out for me forever. Me being the stupid grumpy boy that I am, instead of just accepting her love, started to resent her some for watching me fall into a depression and not having helped me out, or even really noticed. I didn't realize she had her own struggles and I was just really selfish. I didn't realize my resentment or how mean I was until I went to the temple one day pleading for an answer on if it was the right thing to marry her. I was able to see that marriage, while I was holding all those bad feelings, was a terrible idea. Since realizing my inner problems I was able to heal more and let it go.

During most of the summer I have been seeing a therapist. I wanted to talk about having been in a depression and make sure I didn't fall into that trap again. Also how to not let anxiety control my life in school or other aspects. I learned a lot. I learned that when someone imposes a deadline on me, I fight against it for no reason. I really hate deadlines. I learned that I can do little things for my anxiety, like setting my own deadline before the imposed one, and I feel better about it. When that isn't a possibility if I just push through the first bit of my anxiety it goes away. I just need to fight instead of run. It is hard, but I am working on it.

That brings me back to how I am the worst fiance ever. We had set a date and a temple: August 15th, Mount Timpanogus. Since that was a deadline I fought against it for no reason. Mostly have told myself that I just wanted a "yes" answer for my prayers for me to feel good about the decision. Since I was doubting every day, I am not sure if the answer would come anyway.

Pretty much every step of being engaged has been hard for me and therefore killer to Celeste. Like I said, she is a saint. Ring shopping was scary for both of us and I just couldn't find a ring that I thought was what she would love. It took forever and ever for me to buy her the one she has. Little decisions, like who my groomsmen would be, to match her bridesmaids, were hard. I only have two best guy friends, everyone else was just details that I didn't want to think about. She was left almost alone to plan a marriage because I just couldn't handle it and would shut down when I thought about it. When I thought about her, I was fine and happy, but when I thought about marriage, I was just petrified.

The first change to actually bring me on board was making announcements. I was being my annoying self and trying to participate with what I could and at the same time save money. The cost of a wedding really scared me. I have worked really hard to have some savings and no debt, giving it all up for a wedding was really hard, and harder than it should have been for someone I love. When we were working on announcements, like other times before, when I was trying it just wasn't working out. Everything was just meh and not happy. Then after hours of being annoyed, almost giving up, and having had to take an air break outside a few times, I just did it. I stoped being held back by limitations and just made it my own. I am really good at things sometimes and it worked out. (Note - Vistaprint is great if you make the announcement before on Indesign or something, but it is really hard to make it on their site then have it look classy and original.) I did it and I felt better. I felt like marriage was finally possible and I could do it.

I was still searching for an answer from God confirming I was making a good decision and not just being stubborn. While reading the scriptures I found Helaman 14:30 "for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free." The feeling that I received with it was that Heavenly Father trusted me. I was still not sure if that was a yes, but it would be fine if that was my decision.

Seeing that therapist was really good for me. He loaned me a book called "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts", which helped me understand that a lot of the things I was scared about between Celeste and my relationship were just normal differences between men and women. Also that a lot of the things that I was doing in the relationship were hurtful to her. I was able to open up better and even argue better, to be productive rather than just hurtful. At least I thought so. I need to do a refresher, but it helped.

I am going to take a minute and complain about living in Provo. The LDS culture is sometimes overwhelming. Marriage is talked about too much. I have done it too jokingly to friends, so I cannot complain too much, but it is still too much. Since about two months into dating, every single day till the day we were officially engaged, Celeste has been asked "how long till you are getting married", "has he asked yet", "why are you still with him if he isn't moving forward". People really need to understand that we have our own timing. I am a little behind in most things, but I get there eventually. It hasn't been fair to her to have to have that much stress and pressure every day.

Well I am done with bummer stuff and ready to be hopeful and happy. Celeste has a special power. Whenever she sees me she smiles. It doesn't matter whether she is mad or happy. Every time I walk in there is a smile on her face. That right there cannot be bad.

I have had a negativity problem. I have focused on the little dumb things that aren't perfect instead of the good things that are there. I have been scared because none, seriously almost none, of the things we like are the same. We both make compromises on everything because when she says something or I say something we both do not agree and have to find somewhere in the middle. It has helped us learn how to deal with little arguments, but sometimes left us both feeling like we didn't get what we wanted because we are trying to be nice to the other, with something they didn't care about. Communication is key and at the same time hard. We try so hard not to offend the other.

Getting engaged was harder than expected. I was scared and my creativity low. Also like usual I was afraid to ask for help. When we were in California for the 4th of July I tried. We went to take a ride on the hot air balloon in the Orange County Great Park. It would have been nice to propose in California in a hot air balloon. Well that didn't work out at all. Trying to get there I got lost and circled the park driving for over an hour not being able to find the entrance. They need to make it easier to find. Then when we finally got there, the weather had gotten too windy so they stopped running the balloon only 15 minutes before. I could have taken that as a sign from heaven that getting married was a bad idea, I might have at the moment, I think God just wanted me to be sure.

How I did ask her to marry me is this. We went to the moonlight ride at Sundance. Then we came home. I was super nervous, but eventually I got out the words "going on adventures is fun, but who you come home to is what really matters." Then I proposed. She got the biggest smile and I put a ring on her finger.

Last night I Celeste got out her endowments. I got to be with her at the temple. She was nervous and I could see it. I loved seeing her there and being there for her. I really love that girl.

I am still surprised that I am marrying someone who is afraid of change, and doesn't like technology, but I think we are going to have a great journey together.

The Book of Axe

When I was in elementary school, probably the summer after second or third grade, my mom sent me to Vacation Bible School. I am still not sure why, since I am LDS and this was at some random Christian church. They invited us on the Sunday at the end of the week. We went and it was fun with guitars for the hymns, maybe even drums, but not what I am used to.

One day in class my teach asked us to turn to "The Book of Acts". In my little boy mind I heard "The book of Axe". It never crossed my mind that she didn't say "Axe". I spent the next what seemed like forever looking through my scriptures looking high and low for Axe. I never found it and even after reading all the title pages, and I think I had a LDS quad (Bible, Book of Mormon, D&C and Pearl of Great Price) so it took a while.

When my teacher was walking by, I defeatedly told here I couldn't find the Book of Axe, maybe, because I was Mormon, my Bible was different... I don't think she every thought of it again, but hope I didnt hurt the reputation of the church with that nice lady, telling her my Bible just wasn't the same.