Saturday, November 2, 2024

AuDHD

 I identify as AuDHD. That is a combination of ADHD and Autism. I am diagnosed with ADHD and have been taking medication for years. I am not diagnosed with autism because there isn't really a reason to do so except to remove imposter syndrome. The combo is not uncommon around 20-50% of people with ADHD also have autism and 40-80% of autistics can qualify as ADHD. One of the traits of ADHD is that we usually have a hyperfocus, something that is almost the only thing we care about for months to years. ADHD and autism was mine from 2020 to sometime in 2024. That hyperfocus over, which means it is hard to care about anymore. It might come back at some point or I might never care about it again. Before I left all that time I spent go to waste I wanted to write down what I learned so here this is. I am so happy for the labels that I have! It helped me to understand myself, overcome shame from things I felt were personal failures, and gave me a community.


Remember this is just what I have heard and how I feel I not medical advice. If you relate you can research more and if I say something wrong please call me out. I am an "armchair expert" not someone trained in the feild.


ADHD

ADHD is a bad description of a brain difference that affects everything in a person's life. The best description of why it exists that I have heard is "Low Arousal Theory" It says that most brains have a minimum amount of a chemical called dopamine; people with ADHD do not have that minimum. This difference causes us to need more stimulation in our lives to try and reach that minimum. Most people with ADHD feel like their brain is moving fast and they speak fast. Often speaking before your brain has the chance to filter what is being said. 

ADHD is not the lack of attention it is just different motivation. Neurotypicals are able to be motivated by requirements set by others. ADHD people on the other hand are only motivated but things that are novel, urgent, or important to us. This makes it hard to work in a corporate job. The jobs

Medication for ADHD is called stimulants. There are two main types, ones like Adderall that increase dopamine production, and those like Riddlin that tell the brain to reabsorb less dopamine. Adderall is usually prescribed first. There is a newer medication called Vyvanse that finally got a generic in 2024 and made the price less than $300/mo, it is like Adderal XR, which releases over the day instead of all at once like normal Adderal. Medication is stigmatized by those without ADHD because they worry it will be addictive and because it is similar to meth but much lower a dose. Those who do not take medication often self-medicate without realizing it. Caffeine has a similar effect so coffee, soda, and energy drinks are common. Interestingly, stimulates relax ADHD brains. Often we need naps instead of being up all night when we do lots of caffeine. ADHD medication is best taken with protein. If you drink orange juice within an hour of taking Adderall it cancels out the effect. I have never met another ADHD person who is addicted to their medication, more often they forget to take it. Often those who are not treated end up with adictions instead.

Common ADHD Traits

  • Executive Dysfunction (see glossary) - Often shamed into thinking you are lazy
  • Easily distracted / Squirrel
  • Addictions / Alcoholism 
  • Hyperfocus (see glossary)
  • Collecting interests - ADHD people often start something like knitting, 3D printing, or something else. They enjoy it during a hyperfocus time then abandon it.
  • Researching and buying everything, including specialized tools, for an activity before starting.
  • Object Permanence / Out of sight, out of mind - if we don't see it, it doesn't exist. This includes everything including people. We forget people exist until we are reminded. Things in drawers disappear.  This is interesting in relationships you can either 
  • DOOM(Didn't Organize, Only Moved) boxes/piles - 
  • Pinpoint accuracy of specific items - We will lose our keys but can tell you about a paperclip in a specific box in the back of a closet.
  • Forgetfulness
  • Losing things
  • Listening at 2x
  • Waiting mode (see glossary)
  • Jack of all trades
  • Starting and abandoning projects
  • When distracted it takes a long time to get back into whatever you were on before. This causes anger at being distracted
  • RSD (see glossary)
  • Aphantasia (see glossary)
  • Trouble brushing teeth
  • Laundry trouble - moving from washer to dryer, folding, and/or putting away
  • Inability to make habits - nuerotypical people after about a month of doing something never have to think about it again, their brain does it automatically without thinking. It never becomes automatic for some neurotypicals.
  • Floordobe - Like a wardrobe but on the floor, where you put your clothes when they are used but not dirty
  • Needing to know answers to questions. When we think of things we need to ask or look them up we are not satisfied not knowing
  • Predicting the end of movies, books, or shows.
  • Pattern recognition
  • Captions while watching TV
  • Delayed auditory processing - Someone will say something, you say what, then your brain understands what they said originally when before they finish repeating.
  • Echolalia (see glossary)
  • Interupting or finishing people's sentences for them because they are slow at finding the words. It is sometimes painful waiting for someone to find the worth that it feels like you have had ready for a long time.
  • Sharing stories to try and show empathy - ADHD people are often called out for "making it about themselves" because the way ADHD people try to show empathy is to tell a story that that similar to the the situation that someone is telling them about. Neurotypicals usually don't want a similar story they just want to be listen to.
  • Light or sound sensitivity
  • Dragging fingers on walls while walking
  • Having a song always in the back of your head
  • Forgetting to drink water

Autism

Autism has a lot of symptoms that affect everyone differently. Some people think it comes from extra neurons. Supposedly when we are children we have lots of neurons that help us understand the world. As you grow most brains prune some of the nuerons that it deams unimportant and stops listening to those stimuli. Autistic brains don't prune as much so there is much more stimulation all of the time. This effects everything all the time. An autistic person is constantly feeling their clothing, constantly hearing the buzz of lights, cars going by, and many other stimuli. Autistic people often get overstimulated by what from the outside might seem like small things because on the inside they rarely get peace.

People with autism are usually recognized within 10 seconds of meeting someone new. Allisitcs get a weird vibe. Even though they don't understand that it is autism they know something is different. This is probably because of a difference in communication styles. Allistics do a vibe check with small chat, not wanting answers to questions like "How are you?". Once they have felt safe with the vibe they can then continue the relationship getting deeper over time. Autistics are information first. When meeting autistics will info dump on each other and talk about their interests. After sharing things they love they might feel safe enough to get into feelings. The difference is called the "double empathy problem".

It is usually not worth getting a diagnosis of Autism, especially if you already have one for ADHD. Autism cannot be treated by any medication the only thing it could get you is accommodations. It is even harder to immigrate to Australia if you have a diagnosis. The tricky thing about autism diagnosis is that it doesn't care if you have an autistic brain. The diagnosis is just if your autism makes it difficult to provide for yourself or keep a job. In your life at different points depending on needs and how much you mask you could be eligible or not for a diagnosis and it can be removed.

Common Autism Trails

  • Hearing electricity
  • Black-and-white thinking
  • Strong sense of justice - Morality not based on who is looking or who is being hurt. 
  • Considering everyone an equal - allistcs look at where they are on a social ladder above or below someone when they meet and treat them accordingly. They give deference to people above and are allowed to treat people below poorly. Autistics only care about a person's character. Even if their boss's boss does something they don't like they might mention it when an allistic would worry about their position. This often causes conflicts in the workplace and relates to why most autistics cannot keep a corporate job.
  • Bring up issues you see at work, then being told that it isn't your job so you should keep it to yourself. 
  • Annoyed by clothing tags
  • Annoyed by clothing seams
  • Overstimulation and blow-ups
  • Going nonverbal
  • Alexithymia (see glossary)
  • Not feeling like their gender matters. Separation of who they are from their body.
  • Not following social normals
  • Being called weird by people
  • Hating or not understanding small talk
  • Masking - hiding your autism traits to try to appear "normal"
  • Needing to watch interactions before interacting because you don't understand the unspoken rules
  • Info dumping
  • Lifelong love of a subject: dinosaurs, bugs, cars, trains, etc.
  • Love of learning details
  • Belief that rules are rules and aren't exceptions. This can be something like feeling like all lying is bad including "white lies".
  • Pattern recognition
  • Needing to know why things are done.
  • Feeling more safe saying something if it is a quote; either from someone else or a show/movie.

Remember there is a lot of overlap between ADHD and autism. So check both trait lists. 

Autism and ADHD are both classified disabilities. That means you are legally allowed to get accommodations under the ADA. You deserve help!

Glossary

  • Neurodivergence (neurodivergent) - Having a brain that works differently than most people (neurotypicals/allistics). This includes everyone with ADHD, autism, depression, OCD, anxiety, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and other brain differences.
  • Neurotypical - Someone who has a typical brain according to societal norms.
  • ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) - 
  • Autistics - People who have autism. Opposite of allistics
  • Allistic - People who don't have autism
  • Ableism(ableist) - Discrimination in favor of able-bodied people
  • ABA Therapy - A "treatment" for autism that teaches people how to 'mask' better. There is controversy in the community because many parents of people with autism think it helps, but adults with autism say that 
  • Masking - When any neurodivergent person attempts to be present as a neurotypical to fit in.
  • Autistic Burnout - When someone with autism masks for too long it eventually leads to an overwhelm where it is hard to do anytime for up to years.
  • Autistic Regression - When late-diagnosed autistics learn about their autism it often makes it much harder to mask. Brains are interesting and because people knew how to do things when masked, removing the mask causes them to not know how to do other things. This can be anything even daily tasks or your job.
  • RDS (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) - A common ADHD trait where we majorly react to any kind of rejection. It is thought by some to be caused by how often ADHD kids are told no or corrected much more often than neurotypical children. Some research says 20,000 times more by age 10. This is similar to people who have CPTSD .
  • Dopamine - A chemical produced in the brain. Most treatment for ADHD is to raise the amount of dopamine in the brain at any given time.
  • Hyperfocus - Most often it refers to when someone with ADHD is so interested in something that the rest of the world disappears. This will usually be a multi-hour event where you forget to eat or even use the bathroom until something breaks your concentration. The term is overloaded and could refer to the thing that you are currently interested in. The interest can start and end at any  
  • Dyscalculia - like dyslexia but with numbers
  • Waiting Mode - not being able to do anything because there is an appointment later in the day. Even if you have a meeting at 5pm being trapped and not doing anything from 10am until the appointment can happen.
  • PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) - A specific type of autism where when a person is asked to do something they will never be able to. The term is also named poorly and should talk about how the person requires autonomy and does not do well when someone attempts to remove it.
  • DSM5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) - The book used in the US by medical professionals to diagnose. If something is not in the book you cannot have an official diagnosis and receive disability accommodations.
  • CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) - Similar to PTSD but from repeated bad experiences like growing up with abusive parents. It is not in the DSM5 and therefore you cannot get an official diagnosis for accommodations
  • Accommodations - Usually referring to permission given at school or work to help you be successful in a neurotypical environment. See askjan.org for help knowing some reasonable accommodations in your situation
  • Aphantasia - Not having mental images. It is in about 2% of the population. The name was created in 2015 after someone lost their images after heart surgery. There is no official diagnosis. Most people who have it think everyone else is talking metaphorically so they don't know they have it or if they do, don't know it has a name. The opposite is Hyperphantasia. 
  • Executive Dysfunction - The inability to motivate yourself to do something even though you want to do it. Outside it may look like laziness but there is a difference: laziness is a choice to not do something, and executive dysfunction is not a choice.
  • Object Permanence - Term used to describe when babies don't understand that someone/something exists when they cannot see it. It has been adopted by the ADHD community to refer to a similar situation where we forget something exists when we don't see it.
  • Echolalia - Playing with sounds in your mouth. Repeating the same sound over and over, maybe changing the tone or trying to match something you have heard.
  • Alexithymia - the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions.
  • Double Empathy Problem - Different communication patterns between allistic and autistic people make it hard for either group to communicate with the other even though they are really good at communicating with others in their own group. This is thought to be because allistics do vibe/feeling first then information when safe, and autistics to information first then feelings once they feel safe.
  • ADA - The Americans with Disabilities Act. The law in the USA that requires companies to give accommodations for disabilities. 







Friday, March 27, 2020

Theory, not Doctrine: Intelligences, Glories, and Gods

Disclaimer: I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This post is a personal understanding of the gospel, it is not doctrine or teachings of the church. This is a current interpretation and I believe these ideas will probably change over time. Please comment and help me know where I have gone wrong.

I had a good discussion with my brother the other day about how I can believe in the church despite the follies of people in it and past teachings. It gave me the opportunity to express my unique beliefs. This is hopefully the first of a few posts describing my current understanding on some rarely talked about topics in the church and how they shape my beliefs.

The question posed to me that introduces the topic was "Why do you believe that only people of your faith get into the best part of heaven?" My answer was "I don't think everyone wants to be there." This through him for a loop, he couldn't believe that anyone wouldn't want to go to the best place.

Intelligences

A question that is asked of many religions is "How can people be evil if God is good and God created people?" The answer to this is that God did not create us out of nothing.

The Law of Conservation of Matter says "energy can be transformed from one form to another, but can be neither created nor destroyed."  We believe that the essence of a person is eternal-like energy; it cannot be created or destroyed. That is why we can live forever after this life. We were always eternal, we were just in a different state. It cannot be created or destroyed. That essence of each of us is referred to as an "intelligence". See this lengthy article.

When you create a table, you don't actually create it, you organize it from other materials. The term the church uses for that transformation/creation is "organization". In the same way, we believe that God did not create our spirits before this world. He took "intelligences" and organized them into spirits, "creating" us.  Then He took space dust and organized it into a planet, then He organized, most likely through evolution, a body that could hold a spirit which is where we are now.

The reason that there are evil people is that God took "intelligences" that have always existed and set them on a path to become more like Him. 

Glories

The Church's teachings on the afterlife are different than that of other Christian faiths. Instead of Heaven and Hell, we believe that there are Kingdoms(degrees) of Glory.  They are, in best to worst,  the Celestial Kingdom, the Terrestrial Kingdom, Telestial Kingdom, and Perdition. Perdition could be considered hell and everything else heavenly. Perdition is pretty impossible to get into, so let's not worry about that and just talk about the Kingdoms.

I believe that God, Heavenly Father, loves all of us more than we can imagine. I don't think that He wants anyone to go to hell. His goal is for us to become the best that we can be. If we don't want to be the best that we can be, He still wants us to be happy. That is the purpose of the kingdoms of glory. I believe that depending on where we are in our progress to becoming more like God is how we get sorted into the degrees. I don't believe that the Telestial Kingdom is there to torment the people that were bad. I think that the people there would be completely unhappy being surrounded by the goodie goodies of the Celestial Kingdom. God made the Telestial and Terrestial Kingdoms as a place for people whose hell it would be to be in the presence of God all the time, being eternally tortured by their guilt. Those kingdoms are places for them to exist.

Gods

People of my faith have sometimes been referred to as "Godmakers". I would like to flip that and change the idea to be that God is a God maker.

My belief is that happiness comes from helping others and that God is perfectly happy. Caution, blasphemy ahead. I believe that God at some point was probably another "intelligence" just like every unorganized intelligence. I won't even guess how He progressed to the point where He became God. Now that He is God, He is in a unique situation where he knows how perfectly happy He is, and wants to share that with as many being as possible. That is where we come in.

I believe that God has a body similar to us. That he took intelligences and organized them into spirit bodies. Those bodies were given a choice to follow His plan. Those that agreed are those who have and will receive bodies, us, in order to become more like Him.

What does it mean to become more like God? I think that as intelligences we couldn't interact much with anything else. We have spent eternities only caring about ourselves. God is giving us the chance to change that, to be less selfish. He gave us sprit bodies so we could communicate with other spirits and start caring about others. We currently have bodies and no memory of our previous selves. This gives us an opportunity to make choices on our own to either stay selfish or to gain charity.

Every day we get opportunities to choose others instead of ourselves. Each commandment teaches how to focus less on ourselves. I say charity instead of selflessness because I think we still need to have self-care and be sufficient enough to take care of ourselves, but once we get the basic needs covered we start to help others. I think marriage is part of the plan because I have learned to put my wife's needs in front of my own often, and it brings me joy. I think I will experience the same when I have children. Everyone says seeing your children progress is the best joy that you can attain.

In the show The Good Place, spoiler alert, I think Tahani was the only one that actually made it to what we would call the Celestial Kingdom. Everyone else made it to where they were happy and then moved on. Tahani was never happy with just finding happiness. She chose, rather than moving on, to join the beings that are helping others find happiness. That is what I consider "God making".

To answer the original question of why I think that not everyone wants to go to the highest kingdom of glory is that not everyone wants to become charitable/selfless. God knows that like in the Good Place where only Tahani wanted to end up helping others, He gives everyone a place where they can be happy even if they don't want to devote their everything to others. Intelligences are selfish and Gods are charitable. He wants us to be like Him, but is happy in knowing that he has made every intelligence happier than where it started.

TL;DR

I believe that God knows that the way to be the happiest is to make others happy. We have always existed and always will exist. We were once intelligences. God organized our intelligences into spirit bodies, becoming our creator, and the current plan of giving us bodies and trials gives us the opportunity to become more like Him, perfectly charitable. His highest goal is for us to become as happy as He is by becoming gods, charitable beings that want to progress other intelligences. If we don't want to do that He has a place for us to be happy-ish anyway.




Thursday, December 26, 2019

Chocolate Peppermint Blossoms

I found this recipe years ago on pinterest: https://www.bakeat350.net/2012/12/chocolate-peppermint-blossoms.html . This is a copy in case the site ever stops working. The pictures were missing this week so I go worried. These taste like Christmas.

1 & 1/2 cups unbleached, all-purpose flour
3/4 cup Dutch-process cocoa (such as Hershey's Special Dark)
1 & 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 stick (1/2 cup) salted butter, cut into chunks
1 & 1/4 cup sugar
3 eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon peppermint extract
1/2 cup powdered sugar for rolling
Hershey's Kisses 

Line cookie sheets with parchment.  Preheat oven to 350.

Whisk together the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt.  Set aside.

With an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.  Beat in the eggs and extracts, beating until combined and scraping down the sides and bottom of the bowl as needed.

Gradually, add the flour mixture, beating on low just until combined.  The mixture will be very sticky.

Place the bowl in the refrigerator and chill for 30 minutes to 1 hour.

Use a teaspoon cookie scoop (or a spoon) to scoop generous teaspoons of dough onto the prepared cookie sheets.  Place the powdered sugar on a plate.

Gently roll each ball of dough through the powdered sugar until coated.

Place back on the cookie sheet.

Bake for 12 minutes, until puffed and crinkly.  (Meanwhile, unwrap the Kisses.)

Remove from the oven and immediately press a Hershey's Kiss on top of each hot cookie.  Press firmly, so that it doesn't pop off.  Let the cookies sit on the sheet for 1-2 minutes, then remove to a wire cooling rack to cool completely.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

God loves me specifically

Today I had a quick reminder of how God loves me individually. Today I got to church a little late, hence I was in the foyer for the sacrament. They didn't bring the bread out so I thought, well that is too bad, maybe I will go to a later Sacrament or just strive to be on time next week. Then someone came out with the water. I told him they didn't bring the bread so don't worry about it. He left. Then to my surprise he came back with someone else. They had the bread and water at the same time. I have never seen that happen, and didn't know if it was allowed. There were only two of us in the foyer, but an exception was made for us. I felt loved so I thought I would share.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Marriage and the Government

I am tired of the fight about marriage. I don't like that states made decisions and then the high courts just say they are invalid. That is annoying and demoralizing. People will always fight and the government will always complicate things, so here is my solution:

TAKE GOVERNMENT OUT OF MARRIAGE

Marriage is religious instititution. It always has been and it always will. It differs by culture and belief, but that is fine. What is not fine, is marriage being regulated and forced by those who do not care about people's culture or beliefs. If 'Separation of Church and State' says I cannot pray in a public school, then the government should not be able to define a marrige.

Here is the solution:
1. Make all government joining of people civil unions.
2. Base government benefits solely on civil unions.
3. Let people get married in their church later if they want to.

That is the only way the governement isn't infringing on the rights of religious or non religious people. It is time people stop fighting over offending everyone and just solve the issue.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Time Commitment of a Good Latter Day Saint

I thouroghly believe that if we do the little things in that we are told to do at church, we are happier in life. What does it mean to do the little things? Let me list them out for you.

Daily: (20 minutes)
Prayers (Morning, Evening, Meals... always): 10 minutes
Reading Scriptures: 10 minutes

Weekly: (6 hours)
Church: 3 hours
Home Evening: 2 hours
Calling: 1 hour

Monthly: (8 hours)
Home/Visiting Teaching: 2 hours
Being Home/Visiting taught: 1 hour
Temple attendence: 3 hours
Ward activity: 2 hours

I know that I am ignoring travel time, and this would be doubled for a bishop, but for an average member this should be a good estimate.

Here is a break down of a year: 365 days, 52 weeks, or 12 months. Check out these calculations.

Total Yearly = (Daily * 365) + (Weekly * 52) + (Montly * 12)
Total Yearly = (.33hr * 365) + (6hr * 52) + (8hr * 12)
Total Yearly = (120.45hr) + (312hr) + (96hr)
Total Yearly = 528.45hr

Average Montly = (Total Yearly / 12)  = 44hr
Average Weekly = (Total Yearly / 52) = 10hr
Average Daily = (Total Yearly / 365)  = 1.5hr

I guess that an hour and a half daily might sound pretty intense, but is it really for your happiness. Lets take a quick look at percentages because I like those better.

Yearly Percent = (528.45 / 8670) = 6.10%

What that means is if you give up 6% of your life, your are a devout member, and most likely will be happy. That 6% might actually seem kind of steap, but it isn't even a 10th, and we know when we pay our tithing, God moves mountains to make that 90% more useful than the 100% would be otherwise, so why can't he do the same thing for our time.

Let me end by mentioning some other yearly percentages:
33.67% - Sleep (8 * 365 / 8670)
23.99% - Work (8 * 5 * 52 / 8670)
18.10% - TV = (4.3 *  365 / 8670) (source)
21.72% - Digital= (5.16 * 365 / 8670) (source)

In conclusion most Americans spend three times as much time daily watch TV that it would take to be a great member of the church. That is really sad. I hope that I can give up a bit of internet or tv time to be a good healthy member of the church.









Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Boxtops

I collect boxtops! When I see someone throwing away cereal or anything else with them I grab them off the box. When they bring snacks in to work, I pick them up and collect them. My wife can vouch that they are always falling out of my pockets or wallet or car or pretty much anything of mine.What I don't understand is why people throw them away. I don't have anyone specific that I usually give them to, but I collect them anyway. I have given them to friends with siblings and now my boss with kids. His kids love me for getting them a pizza party or something.

I would say in the about 2 years I have been collecting them I have collected and given at least $50 worth of boxtops. I know that isn't too much, but if everyone did the same thing, schools would have enough money to buy supplies. I know I sound like some depression aged person in saving things before throwing them away, but people, Stop Being Lazy, stop being unobservant and just save them. There are always kids who want them, even if you don't know any. If all else fails just go to an elementary school and donate them, or volunteer with some kids, they could use the support.

Final message: Save boxtops, be observant and love children.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

I am getting married in the morning.

I invited most everyone on Facebook, but if you want to come, fill out this form.

I am engaged and going to get married really, really soon. 15 August 2013 to be exact. Most people will wonder what the crazy I am doing, getting married in less than a month after getting engaged, well here is the story. I have been working on this for a while, it just hasn't felt complete, so I apologize for the length.

Let me just preface this whole story by saying Celeste is a saint.

In June Celeste and I were at a point where we were not progressing in life. We had been at the point for  a while so we decided to make a choice, get married or break up. I think for most people that is a really easy question, but for me I wasn't sure. I took some time, wrote in my journal, fought some doubts away then went to Celeste and said "Let's get married." Either that day or the next we decided a date and a temple and started some planning.

This shouldn't have been as huge a deal. We have now been dating for over a year and a half and we were almost dating for a few months before that. When it comes to knowing each other we know each other very well, and have had to work through so much together. The problem has been my self esteem.

Over the last year, I have had a few problems. I have had struggles in school, relationships and more. The worst part was when I was in a depression. I didn't have myself tested so I don't know if it was a real depression, so sorry to those that actually struggle with it, but I had it as much as I could. I didn't know how to handle my feeling so I turned them off. I had the worst time sleeping every night, because going to bed meant I had to face the next day. I was never suicidal or anything, was just lost and every day was kind of hard. It really took me down in school and life and I left me blank. I didn't realize it had happened till I started to come out of it. I reconciled what I was afraid of with my feelings so I was able to start healing.

Like I said, Celeste is a saint. For some reason she stuck with me when I was in a really low place. She just loves me and watches out for me forever. Me being the stupid grumpy boy that I am, instead of just accepting her love, started to resent her some for watching me fall into a depression and not having helped me out, or even really noticed. I didn't realize she had her own struggles and I was just really selfish. I didn't realize my resentment or how mean I was until I went to the temple one day pleading for an answer on if it was the right thing to marry her. I was able to see that marriage, while I was holding all those bad feelings, was a terrible idea. Since realizing my inner problems I was able to heal more and let it go.

During most of the summer I have been seeing a therapist. I wanted to talk about having been in a depression and make sure I didn't fall into that trap again. Also how to not let anxiety control my life in school or other aspects. I learned a lot. I learned that when someone imposes a deadline on me, I fight against it for no reason. I really hate deadlines. I learned that I can do little things for my anxiety, like setting my own deadline before the imposed one, and I feel better about it. When that isn't a possibility if I just push through the first bit of my anxiety it goes away. I just need to fight instead of run. It is hard, but I am working on it.

That brings me back to how I am the worst fiance ever. We had set a date and a temple: August 15th, Mount Timpanogus. Since that was a deadline I fought against it for no reason. Mostly have told myself that I just wanted a "yes" answer for my prayers for me to feel good about the decision. Since I was doubting every day, I am not sure if the answer would come anyway.

Pretty much every step of being engaged has been hard for me and therefore killer to Celeste. Like I said, she is a saint. Ring shopping was scary for both of us and I just couldn't find a ring that I thought was what she would love. It took forever and ever for me to buy her the one she has. Little decisions, like who my groomsmen would be, to match her bridesmaids, were hard. I only have two best guy friends, everyone else was just details that I didn't want to think about. She was left almost alone to plan a marriage because I just couldn't handle it and would shut down when I thought about it. When I thought about her, I was fine and happy, but when I thought about marriage, I was just petrified.

The first change to actually bring me on board was making announcements. I was being my annoying self and trying to participate with what I could and at the same time save money. The cost of a wedding really scared me. I have worked really hard to have some savings and no debt, giving it all up for a wedding was really hard, and harder than it should have been for someone I love. When we were working on announcements, like other times before, when I was trying it just wasn't working out. Everything was just meh and not happy. Then after hours of being annoyed, almost giving up, and having had to take an air break outside a few times, I just did it. I stoped being held back by limitations and just made it my own. I am really good at things sometimes and it worked out. (Note - Vistaprint is great if you make the announcement before on Indesign or something, but it is really hard to make it on their site then have it look classy and original.) I did it and I felt better. I felt like marriage was finally possible and I could do it.

I was still searching for an answer from God confirming I was making a good decision and not just being stubborn. While reading the scriptures I found Helaman 14:30 "for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free." The feeling that I received with it was that Heavenly Father trusted me. I was still not sure if that was a yes, but it would be fine if that was my decision.

Seeing that therapist was really good for me. He loaned me a book called "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts", which helped me understand that a lot of the things I was scared about between Celeste and my relationship were just normal differences between men and women. Also that a lot of the things that I was doing in the relationship were hurtful to her. I was able to open up better and even argue better, to be productive rather than just hurtful. At least I thought so. I need to do a refresher, but it helped.

I am going to take a minute and complain about living in Provo. The LDS culture is sometimes overwhelming. Marriage is talked about too much. I have done it too jokingly to friends, so I cannot complain too much, but it is still too much. Since about two months into dating, every single day till the day we were officially engaged, Celeste has been asked "how long till you are getting married", "has he asked yet", "why are you still with him if he isn't moving forward". People really need to understand that we have our own timing. I am a little behind in most things, but I get there eventually. It hasn't been fair to her to have to have that much stress and pressure every day.

Well I am done with bummer stuff and ready to be hopeful and happy. Celeste has a special power. Whenever she sees me she smiles. It doesn't matter whether she is mad or happy. Every time I walk in there is a smile on her face. That right there cannot be bad.

I have had a negativity problem. I have focused on the little dumb things that aren't perfect instead of the good things that are there. I have been scared because none, seriously almost none, of the things we like are the same. We both make compromises on everything because when she says something or I say something we both do not agree and have to find somewhere in the middle. It has helped us learn how to deal with little arguments, but sometimes left us both feeling like we didn't get what we wanted because we are trying to be nice to the other, with something they didn't care about. Communication is key and at the same time hard. We try so hard not to offend the other.

Getting engaged was harder than expected. I was scared and my creativity low. Also like usual I was afraid to ask for help. When we were in California for the 4th of July I tried. We went to take a ride on the hot air balloon in the Orange County Great Park. It would have been nice to propose in California in a hot air balloon. Well that didn't work out at all. Trying to get there I got lost and circled the park driving for over an hour not being able to find the entrance. They need to make it easier to find. Then when we finally got there, the weather had gotten too windy so they stopped running the balloon only 15 minutes before. I could have taken that as a sign from heaven that getting married was a bad idea, I might have at the moment, I think God just wanted me to be sure.

How I did ask her to marry me is this. We went to the moonlight ride at Sundance. Then we came home. I was super nervous, but eventually I got out the words "going on adventures is fun, but who you come home to is what really matters." Then I proposed. She got the biggest smile and I put a ring on her finger.

Last night I Celeste got out her endowments. I got to be with her at the temple. She was nervous and I could see it. I loved seeing her there and being there for her. I really love that girl.

I am still surprised that I am marrying someone who is afraid of change, and doesn't like technology, but I think we are going to have a great journey together.

Monday, August 5, 2013

The Book of Axe

When I was in elementary school, probably the summer after second or third grade, my mom sent me to Vacation Bible School. I am still not sure why, since I am LDS and this was at some random Christian church. They invited us on the Sunday at the end of the week. We went and it was fun with guitars for the hymns, maybe even drums, but not what I am used to.

One day in class my teach asked us to turn to "The Book of Acts". In my little boy mind I heard "The book of Axe". It never crossed my mind that she didn't say "Axe". I spent the next what seemed like forever looking through my scriptures looking high and low for Axe. I never found it and even after reading all the title pages, and I think I had a LDS quad (Bible, Book of Mormon, D&C and Pearl of Great Price) so it took a while.

When my teacher was walking by, I defeatedly told here I couldn't find the Book of Axe, maybe, because I was Mormon, my Bible was different... I don't think she every thought of it again, but hope I didnt hurt the reputation of the church with that nice lady, telling her my Bible just wasn't the same.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Banana Bread

Sometimes I make Banana Bread. The recipe I have is in Spanish, so here it is translated.

2 Eggs
1 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Butter

2 Cups Flour
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/4 Cup Milk

3-4 Bananas
Optional: 1 Cup Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. I usually mix everything but the bananas, then mush them in after. I add the chocolate chips last. Bake it for 40 minutes.

It is easy and delicious.


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Android Studio Install

Android Studio was announced today. I am going to try it. I am pretty excited, but there was at least one bump along the way.

Android Studio Not Installing

I didn't have Java installed. After installing the JDK I got the error that included, "If you believe you have a JDK installed and it was not properly recognized, simply set an environment variable JAVA_HOME to point to it/" I tried setting the variable, it did nothing.

What it doesn't tell you is you need the 32(x86) bit version of Java not the 64(x64). After re-installing the 32 bit version of Java Android Studio let me install it.

Android Studio Not Opening After Installed

After installing, it wouldn't open, and didn't give any reason why. This helped me, you actually need the environment variable set. I made a variable called "JAVA_HOME" and set it to "C:\Program Files (x86)\Java\jdk1.7.0_21\".



To set a variable click on properties of "Computer", click "System Properties", under the "Advanced Tab" there is a button for "Environment Variables". Just create a new user variable. This was on Windows 8, but it it almost exactly the same on Windows 7.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

A long time ago on a facebook app I found this recipe.  I decided I should copy it here in case that app every goes away and because it is easier to access. These are super delicious. I don't follow the recipe exactly, I use a big 29 oz can of pumpkin and double the recipe. You you should try them, they are delicious. Also they stay soft for longer than any cookie reasonably should.





Serves: 1-8 Preparation time:  Cooking time:  Dietary guidance: v 

Ingredients


1 c. sugar 
1 c. pumpkin 
1/2 c. oil 
1 egg 

Mix together above ingredients. Sift and add to above: 

2 c. flour 
1/2 tsp. salt 
1 tsp. cinnamon 
2 tsp. baking powder 

Dissolve and add to rest of ingredients: 

1 tsp. soda 
1 tsp. milk 
1 tsp. vanilla 
1 c. chocolate chips 
1/2 c. nuts 


Method

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Drop on lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake approximately 10 to 12 minutes.

NOTE: Careful not to overcook. Cookies will be soft and moist. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Missionary Controlled Blog

This is something I helped someone do the other day so I thought I would let everyone know how to do it. What this does it let you send an email which automatically updates your blog and then even posts it on facebook if you want..
Make a blog
This is a blogger/blogspot tutorial so go to blogger.com and make your blog.

Set it up for email posting
Go to your blogger dashboard, then click the arrow for more options and select "Settings". On the left of the settings page click on "Mobile and email". Last make up a secretWord then select "Public email immediately". From then on you can just send an email to that email address and it will update your blog.


Updating to Facebook
I searched long and hard and found RSS Grafiti. Go to their Facebook App.  Click "Add New Publishing Plan" and name it. Get you blog feed address, by using a link like this: yourblog.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default .On RSS Grafiti under your new plan click "add new" source and enter that link to your feed.  I suggest changing the "Update Frequency" to "As soon as possible". Lastly click "add new" next to target and select your facebook account. You are now done.





Conclusion
You can now send an email to the secret email address from before, and it will post it to your blog and then update your facebook about it soon after. For missionaries this would make keeping a mission blog to update all your friends super easy. Best part you can even email pictures and they will show up.Go and serve.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Where Does Your Self Worth Come From?

This year I have had a few trials that I ended up learning where I got my self worth from. My worth comes from my relationship with God. When I feel that he approves of me, I am happy. When I feel he does not, I am not. I am so glad that God is where my worth comes from. Why you ask? Because it is easy keep up with your relationship with God, as opposed to other things in life.

I am so happy that my worth does not come from school. I have never been good at school, I will never be good at school. I should have been done with school years ago. I am not, why, because I am terrible at managing my time outside of class. Homework is almost impossible for me to do, and if I ever get behind it is hard to catch back up. I am bad at admitting my problems. I am getting better, but it is still hard. If my self worth was based on school I would have none.

Work is great. I love work. I love going to work each day, getting things done, being a leader, turning off my life and just being there. When I get home, I am home. Work is the best. Currently I get paid enough to live, if I was married as I probably should be, it would be hard, but being a single person my pay is enough. If my self worth was based on work, I would have a lot, not the best ever, but I would be happy.

Having my self worth based on God makes it constant. I know people who their personal worth changes by the hour depending on what they are working on, what grade they got on a test or assignment, or who flirted with them that day. Wow is all I can say to that. It is a roller coaster and makes me anxious. I could never keep up with that. If I had my self worth related based of my relationship I would be on that kind of roller coaster. Relationships are hard. I have never really succeeded at one, not matter how hard I try. I could probably get married right now, but I am not sure if that counts as succeeding until I feel like it is right.

Having my self worth based on being happy with my relationship with God is so easy. I just have to be a good person, and when I mess up (all the time) repent and move on. There are basic commandment (daily prayers, reading scriptures, chastity, tithing, word of wisdom, ten commandments...) and if I follow them, which cans be a trial I will be happy not matter what comes along in life. If I was a hobo and still doing the best I can,  I would still have self worth. How cool is that.

My Heavenly Father (God) love me. He blesses my life every day. He makes me want to be a better man, and therefore makes me a better man. I have a smile on my face and can keep that smile on my face. I often tell people it is impossible to offend me, which it is because my worth is not based on what others think, it is based on what I and my God think of me.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Facebook AutoPost

I am testing a facebook auto-post to see if I can help a friend going on a mission to update all her friends. Let's see if http://www.rssgraffiti.com/ actually works as simply as it says it should.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Windows 8 Start Button

I like most people have felt a little empty not having a start button on the bottom left corner in windows 8. So I made a quick executable that just opens the start menu, then pinned it to my start menu in the leftmost spot. Download it here. (Thank you dropbox public folder.)

You might get some kind of warning, like this one I got from chrome, just click the arrow and keep. If you don't trust me make one yourself using the info below here.


Here is how I made it. I found on line that you can use this code for a Visual Basic script:

set wShell=wscript.createobject("wscript.shell")
wShell.sendkeys "^{ESC}"
Set WshShell = Nothing

Then I found an icon I wanted. I liked this one. Then I downloaded a program called VBSEdit, which has a function to make a vb script into an excectable. (Just use the evaluation version) Then TADA a working button to have there.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Adverisment

I just found out that when I talk about a product I can make money or something by adding a direct link like the one below. Since Ticonderoga pencils are the only pencils I like to use and have recommended in the past, I wanted to see what this would look like. That is all.


Jumble

I have wanted to post for a while again, just because I want to. So far I have been foiled all to often. Some times I start and just don't know what to say anymore, mostly because I am too tired that my brain turns off. Other times I have my girlfriend or cleaning checks or roommates or something pop up and it makes me put it off.

I want to address my being tired. I am not going to complain like I have wanted to in the past I just wanted to say it. I can function really well when tired because I have had terrible sleeping habits most of my life, most people  don't notice too much when I am tired, because that is just who I am. I usually go from activity to activity using my ADD abilities to keep me awake, because I know as soon as I relax I am done and It will probably take more energy than I have to get me back on track.

That all being said this week I am seriously tired. Yesterday I went to work, and got some things done, but mostly my brain just turned off, and when I wasn't working on something in specific time just disappeared. It is amazing how slow/fast time can go when you don't notice it happening. Then I went to the grocery store. I took an hour there, which felt like five. I got more things than usual, but mostly I just had found a few recipes that I wanted to make for Valentines Day. Tomorrow I plan on waking up early and making breakfast, and then coming home from school and making dinner, while fitting in maybe a ballet and hopefully some homework. I really don't know how I am not going to pass out somewhere along the way, but I will try.

Back on topic, sleeping is hard. There is something wrong with me, that I can be as tired as anyone has ever been, and as soon as I get into bed at night I am wide awake. This phenomenon doesn't happen during the day, I can nap all I want, practically anywhere I want. This is a problem. In the past, and probably still I have had some problems, like I didn't exercise enough in the day or I just like having noise on, which sometimes keeps me up longer than putting me to sleep. Recently I have been doing the noise thing. I don't know what it is, but as soon as the day comes to an end, I don't want to face tomorrow. I don't know why, but that has been keeping me up. I try to drown it out by turning on some show to just fall asleep to, but that doesn't always work. Being afraid of tomorrow every night is not something I am used to. I like my life and I don't know where the fear comes from.

Well I need to get to class and ranting isn't helping. There is homework to be done places to be. I just want to sleep for a week and then I think I will be fine, but sleep is not something that I get to do, even when I have the time.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Life Update

I have wanted to blog for a while now, I just never do it. The other day I almost grumbled when I was grumbly... something about no time, stress from school, and not getting enough sleep... but today I am happy again and just wanted to be a blogger. I enjoy bloggers.

It is my birthday next week. I am going to be 27. That is old. I didn't realize how easy it would be to get old. I am kind of excited to be 27 because I just do better on odd years. I do okay on even years but I have liked all my odd years in my 20s (21,23 and 25) and I have just done okay with my even ones. That sounds strange, but it is kind of true. I actually have a plan for a fun birthday party. I bought some Miracle Berry Tablets (The link is where I got the idea, I got them a bit cheaper on Amazon, yay amazon prime) and I am going to have a tasting party. It should be fun. I just need toy buy some sour things.

Today I got a bunch of emails for free stuff. Last week I went to this web page http://www.freebie-depot.com/birthday-freebie-list/ and signed up for anything near by. I get a few more spam emails per day, but for my birthday it is the best.

I thought I had more to type, but I lost all of my gumption. Goodbye for now.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

I love this recipe and always lose it. So here is a copy. I found it here.

I personally use a big can of pumpkin and double the rest of the ingredients. So I think I use 1.5x the pumpkin, but it is super delicious.


Serves: 1-8 Preparation time:  Cooking time: 

Ingredients


1 c. sugar 
1 c. pumpkin 
1/2 c. oil 
1 egg 

Mix together above ingredients. Sift and add to above: 

2 c. flour 
1/2 tsp. salt 
1 tsp. cinnamon 
2 tsp. baking powder 

Dissolve and add to rest of ingredients: 

1 tsp. soda 
1 tsp. milk 
1 tsp. vanilla 
1 c. chocolate chips 


Method

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Drop on lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake approximately 10 to 12 minutes.

NOTE: Careful not to overcook. Cookies will be soft and moist.